Thursday, 1 December 2016

No more job hunting

I have decided job hunting is a waste of time. Let the men do that. I am going to just gather rosebuds while ye may.

Last night I had come upon a brilliant idea to become a hack writer and write screeds of words while charging people money to read these very words. I will call myself a journalist and go freelancing up and down the nation writing garden critiques. Might even take a few pictures on my ipad and also, make money from selling these very photos to stock libraries who will keyword these pictures with 'paradise' 'eden' 'oasis' so that when someone really needs a photo and their garden isn't up to scratch, they can just have a stock photo and nobody will be any the wiser.

Of course my cunning plan won't work without some insider tips on gardening that only very few VIP gardeners are allowed to know. So I will set it up that to be in this gardening racket you will also need to invite three or more friends so you too can reap the benefits of being in this downline.

When people ask me how I became so wealthy I will just say I planted a money tree and it brought me all this good fortune, but if you would like cuttings well I am going to have to charge you.
But it's worth it I tell you nobody ever became poor from gardening.

But..the people will sputter, mystified how do you do it all, your fingernails are not even dirty! My fingernails are coated with petroleum jelly and I really let the worms and bees do all the work for me. They don't call them worker bees for nothing. And besides the worms love it, I give them scraps and crumbs and they will work for those and not even complain. The secret really is in the soil.

What, not The Secret that I found at the library by Rhonda Bryne?
Uh no not that secret. I could write a book on the real secret. And also sell it and get Oprah to put it in her bookclub, so that millions of gullible americans can read it. But I have standards. Besides that book was a total rip of the Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett.