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Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Worms and wormwood

Mum reckons I have worms. Inside me. Eating all my food that's why I'm so skinny. This is a scary thought. I eat the same as everyone else but for some strange reason I'm as thin as a rake. Last night had two lamb chops while my parents just had one each.

As for my womery for the garden aside from ME being the wormery - I'm not sure how I can remove these worms. I am trying wormwood tea, which by the way, is an ingredient for the hallucinogenic  French liquor absinthe - but I don't think these are the kinds of worms needed for the garden. Or maybe everyone trying to lose weight and be thin should have a worm inside them to aid digestion. I don't know. I am now confused, should lie down, have a cup of tea, and call the doctor. It turns out doctors no longer make house calls.

So I have to drag my skinny butt off to the doctors office, burning more calories in the process.

If that is not bad enough I am suffering dehydration, in which I keep being advised to drink at least eight glasses of water a day, but problem is if I do that on top of the tea, it will go straight through me and I'll never leave the house because there aren't any toilets nearby that I can just duck into (or pee into the bushes like a man) but they do say urine makes excellent fertiliser.

If this sounds neurotic please don't look at my ankles which are swollen even though normal people cannot tell because my swollen ankles are normal size to normal size people. I have concluded I am a freak. Mum said don't blame me you were the heaviest baby out of the four of you. Obviously I must not have fed myself correctly as a child to grow so thin. In plants this is called etiolation. It is caused by lack of sunlight. Perhaps I was kept in the dark? Honestly I do not remember. Maybe those blue lights shining on me at childbirth since I suffered jaundice really did something to me - some kind of radiation that fried my bones. I did find the cause was...my blood attacked my mothers blood. Thank you Rhesus monkeys.

Yes that's right I, as a baby, tried to kill my own mother. Just by being born.

Similarly, the plants are suffering from drought as I am, not man drought but drought all the same, and do not have the water reserves needed to survive. Which is why I'm thinking instead of lawn must cultivate rice paddies. My taros I have rescued from sunburn and are now in a clay amphora of water. At Woodside the tomatoes are suffering blossom end rot, since we forgot to put sink pipes in and they are drying out.

I am a terrible nurse and think of all my baby plants I may have inadvertently killed when I can't even take care of myself, obviously not doing a great job of it since everyone tells me 'take care' and walks away muttering 'she really should eat more hamburgers'. I got told to do weight training (even when I cannot lift much) at the prison library and they weren't looking for delicate flowers. OK. Right. Did I say I was a delicate flower?

Maybe find work in a florist then. That's enough for today I have to finish my wormwood tea.